Affirmation Ratio: Husbands, love your wives!
When my wife and I did premarital counseling, our pastor described something called an "affirmation ratio." He commended the notion that a spouse should give ten compliments for every one critical remark. Not only would that tend towards softening the tone of the rare critique, but it ensures that the critical remark is heard in a larger context of love and delight. I thought that was a good word, particularly for type-A, perfectionistic husbands who tend to badger and nit-pick their wives.
The Mary Carol Winkler case is a dramatic, extreme example of what can happen when a husband fails to make regular, positive investments in the happiness of his wife. Winkler reports that she "told him I was sorry, and that I loved him" even as he was dying from the wound of her gunshot. I don't know about you, but I take her at her word. I find it very difficult to believe that the murder was premeditated. She testified that her husband "had been really on me lately. He criticized me for things, the way I walked, what I eat -- everything." She said, "I was tired of it. I guess I just got to a point and snapped."
Don't get me wrong: In no way does that excuse what she did. She did something horrible in exacting a punishment that far exceeded his crime of being an inconsiderate husband (at least for a season). But it does serve as a graphic, extreme example of what can happen when a husband does not invest in his wife by making regular deposits of love and respect. God calls husbands to be about the business of making their wives lovely, even as they care for and nourish their own bodies (Eph 5:28-29). What's even more interesting is that this pastor and his wife had an "ideal marriage" according to many of the parishioners who considered the pastor a "wonderful minister." Let this be a sober reminder to all of us husbands (especially those in leadership) to love our wives privately and not just maintain the appearance of a healthy marriage before a sometimes unknowing public.
Comments
Alex,
I have a hard time believing that this wasn't premeditated. She shoots her husband in the back and then leaves him and runs off??? Too many defendants charged with this kind of crime must come up with this kind of 'out of body experience' story. (Goodness me, I am getting hardboiled in my middle age ...) I found it very distressing to read of his fatal injuries.
I can well understand a frayed and stressed woman snapping under sustained provocation from a frayed and stressed husband. But KILLING him??? Woaahh.
What a tragic case. I agree with you that it is a heavy and ludicrous burden to place on pastors and their wives that they should exhibit the Perfect Christian Marriage (as if such a thing existed). This couple needed help and counselling, and it obviously wasn't there for them. Pastors and their wives need mentoring and accountability. They need someone to offload to about their vulnerabilities and their difficulties in marriage.
I feel very, very sorry for this lady and her children, and I have no doubt that she feels terrible remorse.
But, on first impressions, I don't think I can believe her story.
What a tragedy. :(
Philippa, from the UK
PS. We had some email correspondence a while back about your book (from a post on Jollyblogger). I found your book in a UK bookshop recently and bought it for another single friend. :) She said it looked very helpful! :)
Posted by: Philippa | July 5, 2006 07:57 AM
Philippa,
You may be right on the premeditation thing, since she did kill him the next day and not "in the heat of the argument."
I agree they should have sought help rather than maintain the appearance of a perfect marriage. I think, as the husband, he bore the greater responsibility to seek that help.
But she remains culpable of a horrendous crime, for which I hope she receives an appropriate sentence.
Blessings,
Alex
Posted by: Alex Chediak | July 5, 2006 02:03 PM