Getting Serious about Getting Married

Debbie Maken has written a book called Getting Serious about Getting Married. It is a strong critical response to the somewhat widespread view that to be single is to have "the gift of singleness."

Many in the church advise singles to merely be content with their singleness. “Just think how effective you can be in serving Christ because you aren’t distracted by a husband and children!” “Just be content; Jesus is all you need.” “It’s God’s will for you to be single now; maybe He has some lessons He wants you to learn, first.”

Such thoughts have the appearance of wisdom, because we know that (on one level) everything that comes to pass is God's will (in the sense that He decrees it, Eph. 1:11). But God also has revealed to us His moral will in His word: things He wants us to do, things that please Him. Like believing in Jesus for salvation. Like loving our neighbor as ourself. Like relieving the suffering of others. And like "it is not good for man to be alone."

God requires all singles to be celibate (to abstain from sexual expression in thought and deed), but because most singles aren’t gifted for celibacy, most should seek to marry. I agree with Maken, Al Mohler, and others in the view that the Bible does not describe a gift of singleness per se, but rather a gift of celibacy. The gift of celibacy is a rare gift that is accompanied by a Spirit-endowed ability to cheerfully and without bitterness or rancor abstain from sexual intimacy and the deep emotional companionship that only comes with marriage and having children. In many cases, I believe this is accompanied with a particular life calling that greatly profits from the status of singleness (e.g., missions, a life-threatening vocation, excessive traveling, etc.). I have written on the biblical normality of marriage for adults in chapter 2 of my book With One Voice, which Christian Focus has generously allowed me to post here.

My wife and I were (for the most part) not raised with convictions about the rarity of the gift of celibacy and the normality of marriage. Since the book's author is female, I asked my wife Marni if she'd be willing to read Maken's book and post some thoughts for us here. Marni writes:

"Like Maken, I also spent my twenties single, longing to be married. I read the book thinking of my situation, as well as of my single girlfriends. And I found myself saying “right on!” throughout the book, wishing I had had this book when I was 23. The book is a breath of fresh air; she makes a compelling argument that single women are not desperate, unusual, or sinful for having a desire to be married. In fact, she makes the case that biblically and all through Christian history, early marriage has been not only the norm but is God’s will. Instead of chastising women for not being content enough or not focusing on serving God with the luxury of time afforded by their freedom from care of a husband and children, she validates the desire to be married as just as normal as hunger for food.

I very much appreciated her encouragement to single women to use their discontent as a God-given impetus to get married, rather than to suppress it in an unfounded attempt to be “more godly” in the hopes that once the desire for marriage is gone and a certain advanced level of sanctification is reached, then God will magically cause her to get married. I remember being terrified to admit to anyone in the church that I wasn’t content in my singleness. I knew I would be perceived as weak, ungodly, and desperate. I hope all pastors and elders will read this book and begin to encourage singles based on God’s clear will for the normalcy of marriage, and not try to biblically justify the prevalence of delayed marriage induced by sin."

I want to join my wife in commending Debbie Maken's Getting Serious about Getting Married: Rethinking the Gift of Singleness to others. For a primer on Maken's thesis, see her boundless.org article. I close with a portion of Al Mohler's endorsement of Maken's book:

"One of the most urgent questions facing today's generation of young Christians is this --does God really intend for us to make marriage a priority? Confusion reigns in this area of the Christian life. For too many young Christians sideline marriage, delay marriage, and avoid marriage in an extension of adolescence that is truly unique in human history."

I could not agree more. I think the negative consequences are widespread in the culture at large. We hope to raise our children in a day of recovery and revival of the blessed gift of marriage. A day in which young men and women deliberately and gladly assume the mantle of adulthood and responsibility. A day in which interest in the opposite sex is entertained in a context that assumes the appropriate goal of marriage. A day in which marriage is the non-negotiable price for sexual intimacy. A day in which married couples welcome children and men gladly assume their God-given duties of protection and provision, allowing their wives to thrive in the sphere for which God uniquely designed them.