Young men, singleness and marriage

Alex -

Thanks for the article. As I single Christian girl I am tempted to pass this article out to the guys I know. But alas I won't since that would mean taking the initiative. I just hope they are reading it!

Alex, I read your article and thought it was great. I'm 23 and in the same position as you were in before you were married. Just thought you'd like to know that your target audience appreciated what you had to say!

And as a 30-something woman, I too applaud you for this directive!
Men - pursue a wife! Quit looking at stuff you shouldn't (c'mon, we know you must be doing something with your sex drive!) and stop plugging your "spouse-shaped hole" with female friends!
You need a wife - God says it's good for you. You really saying you know better than God?
Oh, and by the way, don't think you can put off marriage indefinitely and still have kids "some day". As you age, women of child-bearing years will find you increasingly unattractive (unless your name is Trump of course!).
Young men, not-so-young men, even-less-young men out there - pursue a wife for God's sake (literally) and your own!
:)

Alex-
Hows it going? Anyway, I read your article and I can see where you are coming from. However, it appears that you (and the other editors at boundless) are missing the boat entirely.
The big reason young men don't get married is because of the inherent worthlessness of the marriage contract. Why would any young guy (or anyone for that matter) be interested in a contract that can be ripped to shreds by either party at any time without any legal consequences?
Its almost like you guys are trying to figure out why plants are dying in an enclosed greenhouse when an irrigation system is not supplied in the first place.
It just may be that young men (like myself) do not see any value in marriage, and they have essentially voted with their feet.
Anyway, the punchline is that telling guys they should do it because it is right is not going to work; there has to be a tangible and obvious benefit for guys in order for them to be interested.

Joe,

Thanks for your honesty.

Are you a Christian? The "tangible and obvious benefit" is the glory of God displayed through an earthly picture of the Christ-church relationship (Eph. 5:22-33). Not to mention the "obvious benefit" of maturity and discipline in the lives of men.

Or are you lamenting the widespread "no fault divorce laws"? I'm not clear where you are coming from.

Thanks for the comment,
Alex

Alex, I am very saddened to see a pattern of second or third class status for all of us older childless and unmarried men in evagelical churches. I dont know who started all this, but it must be stopped. As a 42 year old single man who has lived alone since 18, I find this whole debate a waste of time. I really think the force behind this is the attempt to make men more like women. I have to be honest here, my parents both died when I was young, my dad was a alcoholic who commited suicide when I was 5 and my mom was murdered when I was 9- I grew up in foster care,I have no desire for a family. I would not want my children to go through the horror of my experience. But, I would not trade my singlness for anything!! I know the Lord has saved me and provided all that I need. I have plenty of money and wealth that I give to several ministries- in fact I give a third of my income away and live very cheap. I do have any of the qualities of celibacy nor meet the qualifications you mentioned, but I enjoy my life and the joy of knowing I have eternal life supersedes any temporary loneliness or temptation. I hope you will alllow the comment and thanks for the article.

There is something to what Joe says. Some time ago I read an article (secular) that was exploring the reasons for people (guys in particular) waiting longer to get married. One interview typified some of these reasons. He said something to the effect of 'Say I get married and have a few kids. A few years later, my wife could divorce me for any reason whatever. As a guy, chances are that my kids would be all but taken away and my ex will be free to drain my bank account. Why should I risk all of that? (i.e. why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?). I personally know two guys (and know of more) that are in just this situation. Both have been divorced for nearly a decade. Despite the fact that the women were the unfaithful ones, they won primary custody of the kids (one of them rarely gets to see his children). These women sometimes violate the custody agreements at will, with no consequence. Yet the men have to walk on pins and needles to avoid rankling their ex-wives for fear they will get the law sicced on them. To this day, there ex-wives still drag them into court on a semi-regular basis to squeeze more money out of them.

Now, as a Christian, I'm not looking for 'free milk', but these issues merit attention.
Especially since, last I read, divorce is just as prevalent in the Church as it is in the world. Couple that with the fact that the majority of divorces are filed for by women and it is no surprise that some guys think long and hard before taking such a risk.

Somes states have taken the commendable steps to create 'covenent marriages' (with high-standards for divorce) that can be entered into voluntarily. I think this is a good idea.

Hello Again Alex, --> yes I am a Christian
Wombatty is correct. The institution of Marriage in this country is in sorry shape. In fact, I am rather suprised that you got married yourself. Why is this, simple, whether you like it or not, there are some people out there (ie divorce lawyers) who have a vested interest in seeing your and your wife's marriage fail.

This makes marriage an inherently unstable system, if either you or your wife stumble, the marriage is toast (according to the current manifestation of marriage). Now I like the idea of covenent marriage. This type of marriage would force people to work through their problems rather than giving up at the slightest hiccup or bump in the road.

Also, I've noticed on boundless that there were at least 4 articles blaming young men on the current "Marriage Strike". I saw statements like "you young men should take charge... be the man -- get married, blah blah blah". However, I have two friends who are married who "took charge", and now they are basically prisoners in their own marriage (and yes they are Christian marriages). They know that the wife has all of the legal power. They know if they don't step in line with what the wife wants its "bye bye children". And unfortunately, my two friends are shadows of their former selves because of this.

Anyway, good luck on solving this problem (your going to need it). It appears that if things don't change, then we are headed to the low birth rates of Europe.

First, I echo wombatty's comment about the divorce and custody laws. Sadly, I've known several Christian men who have been victimized in that manner, and the church is doing little, if anything, to address such situations.

Second, you mentioned finances in your Boundless article. I can understand why some young men are delaying marriage until they get their financial house in order. Many college graduates are saddled with tremendous debt from financing their education and thus cannot afford to support a family until that is paid off. In addition, the corporate culture of today fattens CEO's wallets at the expense of good, steady decent-paying jobs which are either being outsourced overseas or abolished altogether. (The church isn't doing anything to address the corporate culture either.) Even if jobs are plentiful, housing is frequently so expensive that it takes more than one income to afford rent or a mortgage even if a family is living frugally. Young men are undoubtedly taking such economic factors into account when making decisions whether or not to pursue marrage.

Last but not least, how would you counsel young men, and not-so-young men, who have pursued marriage only to have all such pursuits rejected? It's frankly unfair to place all the burden on single Christian men if single Christian women won't do their part.

One hears the horror stories about unscrupulous divorce attorneys, the Orwellian child support system, and frivolous accusations of child abuse and molestation used as a bargaining tool (usually by men against women) and one understands why some men are wary of marriage. It is to be hoped that among born-again people such things would not happen, but you never know these days.

Also, what about those of us who are pushing middle age and simply haven't found the right one yet? If Christians take "'til death do us part" seriously (no starter marriages for us) isn't it all the more important that we find the right mate for us, rather than settle?

I really don't know what world you are living in when you say single Christian men are not trying to find a wives "at all."

I go to a church in uptown that primarily reaches out to young singles, and most of everyone, single, divorced, man, woman, young, and middle aged all want to find Mrs. and Mr. Right.

I'm not sure how this myth of Christian men not wanting marriage got started. If it based off of a few exceptions then I think it would be wise not to judge the many on the demerits of a few. If it is based on studies that show a protracted singleness then I would argue that this does not mean that men have "whatever" attitude.

Simply because marraige isn't happening fast enough (at a young age) doesn't mean that it isn't desired.

John,

I cover this issue in my book at length. The short answer is that how one sets their criteria is a strong determining factor in whether they find one that meets them. The other important factor is one's Christian maturity and understanding of the biblical roles of a husband. Lastly, get around lots of godly women.

There is a sense in which none of us marry the "right" person if the "right" person is a "perfect" person. And we are not perfect either. Marriage is a school of sanctification.

Blessings,
Alex

Hello Dr. Chediak,
I noticed that you are a professor of materials. I am curious, why are you writing books and articles about marriage (the fields seem very unrelated)? Is this a part of your tenure track at Northwestern College?

Also, which book are you talking about? (I see two on your page)

Joe,

I am referring to With One Voice.

No explicit relation between my singleness/marriage interest and my engineering faculty job. I am also a ministry apprentice, as described here. I added some text about my pre-Bethlehem experiences in ministry.

I agree with you on your insistence that one must remain celibate until marriage. Today, too many people, even Christians, ignore that biblical mandate.

However, in regard to your article, "Get Married, Young Man," you make a common mistake. You are assuming that one can proactively find someone who is right for them and then get married. Nothing could be further from the truth.

One should only consider marriage when one has fallen intensely in love -- which is a completely involuntary thing that just happens. It's not a matter of choice, as one cannot just "decide" to do it. When one falls intensely in love, then one should marry, whether they be 16 or 106. However, marrying without first falling in love is inappropriate for any age.

I'm a so-far-not-married man in my mid 40's. I don't have the "gift-of-singleness," as I'm constantly lusting after attractive women. The reason I'm not married is because, every time I meet a woman that I'd like to marry, she is either completely uninterested in me or just wants to "be friends." I'm not going to marry a woman I don't want. That would be a fate worse than death. Besides, being with a woman I'm not satisfied with would not resolve my lusting problem.

I used to have the exact opinion of Deanna Holmes (comment above). However, the guys are TELLING us why they are holding off on marriage. I finally married last year at the age of 33.

Guys want to be primary breadwinners and they want to feel significant to their wives. My husband resisted marrying because he was worried about supporting us. In this economy, I understood his fears, but I listened to him.

I have single women friends who cannot accept that men have fears and concerns. They suggest that a man is addicted to porn, a eunuch or childish if he doesn't want to marry immediately.

Girls, the guys have been listening to us. If you want to get married, stop condemning the guys for what you imagine his reasons for resistance are. Accept that he wants to be married, but is worried about divorce, supporting a family and needs you to accept what he is saying as true.

This debate isn't between marriage-mandate Grrrls and porn-addicted guys. It seems this is what it is turning into.