Different Types of Singles?

I'm always amazed at how grid-group cultural theory finds its way into everything :-) I think it's a good starting model for singleness. I would like to make a couple of possible suggestions purely based on trying to apply the model to myself. I'm either in Quadrant 1 or 3 but I think I'm leaning more to Quandrant 1. The following comments are based on my own anecdotal experience.

Firstly, I think the issue of lust is a major one that needs to be addressed with each quadrant expressing a different degree of control. The flesh is always lustful and it's an individual's control and accountability mechanisms over it that makes the difference. Obviously men and women are different in this regard but it is one of the main issues that singles, especially men, struggle with. Secondly, it might be helpful to make a distinction in each quadrant with regard to internal behaviour and external behaviour i.e. what the individual's heart is and how that person's heart affects their external behaviour.

On a final note I would take issue with the naming of Quadrant II. The Gifted Single implies, to my mind at least, that those who eventually get married aren't as gifted.

Disclosure: I'm a 23 year old single male from Ireland who struggles with lust internally but isn't that bothered about finding a girlfriend. If it happens, it happens.

Hey, thanks for the comment!

Just for clarification: What we meant by "gifted" (in II) was not that these are the most gifted people, but that they are "gifted" in the sense of being "gifted unto singleness." In the sense of Paul in I Cor 7:7, "I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another." So the quadrant II folk, we're suggesting, are uniquely gifted unto singleness. But not necessarily more gifted, individually (spiritually, academically, etc.), than the folk in the other quadrants.

Hey Alex,

What a great way to summarize the issue!

Question, though...is there a strong Biblical argument for being "gifted unto singleness"? Or...is the gift that of celibacy that would then obviously play itself out in a life of singleness?

In reading Deb Maken's book, she quotes Martin Luther saying that less than 2 in a 1000 Christians actually have the gift of celibacy, and thus only 2 in a 1000 should be actively pursuing singleness. Obviously I have no idea where Luther came up with that stat...but one must admit there truly aren't too many people out there who love celibacy!

Thus, MOST young single adults (especially the male of the species) would fall into Section III and need a good kick in the pants in order to quit leaving our lovely young ladies waiting....

Charley

Charley,

Thanks for the comment.

What I meant by "gifted unto singleness" was "gifted unto celibacy, and therefore gifted unto long-term singleness".

In order to make it a cool, neat and simple chart, I think I need the word "Single" in all the quadrants. Hence the reduced title for quadrant II: "The gifted single."

I see that this three-word classification lends itself to potential misunderstanding, as our friend from Ireland also pointed out.

Blessings,

Alex

No problem. Thanks for clearing up the misunderstanding. There is such a pressure even in a lighthearted way for young Christian singles to get married.

Changing people's perceptions and expectations of singleness and singlehood is definitely important

Alex et al:

I hope the graph is an attempt at humor because it made me chuckle. Then again, the whole Marriage Mandate Movement makes me laugh, too.

You might not understand the reference, but sites like this one always remind me that I can't save the world on "cup o' soup and student loans."

God bless.

Alex,

Overall, I like what you have here. I think the axes (maturity and marriage interest/inclination) are very appropriate.

A couple comments:

1) For class I, you mentioned the following: Is God's "will" for them to be married, but He may be keeping them from marriage temporarily or permanently to accomplish His secret will.

This might bear further explanation or clarification. If it is God's "will" for them to be married, why would He permanently keep them from marriage to accomplish His secret will? I think I sort of understand what you're going with this, but on the face of it, there appears to be a contradiction. It looks like God has a clash of "wills"...

2) For Class III, I think a subtle distinction can be made between two groups: those who play video games, watch too much TV, seek the latest thrill, and engage in childish/adolescent behavior (truly slackers), versus those who are so wrapped up in work/career/school that it becomes the number one priority, crowding out dating and the journey down the "marriage path". I think a lot of folks fall into this second group. They are are highly active, industrious people (different from the slackers), but they are so singularly focused on job/career/school, that they don't devote any time to dating. They need to gain perspective and maturity to realize that marriage is a wonderful thing, and finding a marriage partner requires time, effort, taking risks, etc.--so they need to re-order their priorities accordingly. (Naturally, their relationship with God should always be on top of the priority list, regardless of the other priorities. I'm definitely not suggesting that dating or pursuit of marriage should be the number 1 priority.)

Despite the differences between the "slackers" and the "hard drivers", the common denominator is that they both see marriage as a low priority right now. Their actions clearly indicate this. In this sense, both groups lack maturity and are marriage averse (i.e. Class III), but they are still somewhat different. It might be helpful to highlight that difference.

Just my two cents,

-DP

P.S. You would make a great consultant--they love using a four-box matrix structure to explain things!

DP,

Thanks:

1. Yes, a clash of wills. Like when God "wills" for terrorists to kill innocent people on Sept 11, even though such heinous acts are against his revealed/moral will. Stuff like that happens on a lesser scale when we sin as Christians in smaller ways. God's sovereign will (that which happens) and His moral will (what he commands us to do) do not always overlap. Likewise, when my child disobeys, I "will" to discipline her, though I don't "want" to (on another level -- "It hurts me more than it hurts you."). If we have different levels of emotions, how much more might God (whose mind far exceeds ours)?

2. Yes, I totally agree. I have two bolded categories in Quadrant III: The "spiritual" single, and the "slacker" single. I might think of a way to make it more clear.

Thanks for your feedback!

Blessings,
Alex

This is helpful, Alex.

Where would you fit someone who may have a physical or emotional/mental handicaps? This person may "burn," but may be unlikely to attract a mate. They could be both "mature" and "marriage inclined," but have sacrificed their goal of marriage as unachievable.

Another one: Where would you fit someone who is "too young" to marry, or who hasn't received their parents' blessing to do so?

I think your graph is helpful -- please continue to work on it (don't consider it a completed project). :-)

With due respect, I am not sure that I have any respect at all for your chart.

Wow, this is indeed very "nerdy" and certainly a case of "Chediak, A. and Chediak, M. 2007" (a literature citation, implying something very academic). Of course, being a student myself, I don't necessarily see it as a bad thing :)

One comment - I don't see the four categories as wrong per se, but in my experience (and for me personally), I find that there is such an incredible continuum for both axes. I would probably be more inclined to place myself on a scatterplot than to claim that I am either mature or immature. Perhaps this kind of categorization is most helpful for married people who are trying to counsel singles. For singles (or me as a female at least), it's more just "seek ye first the kingdom of God ... " and "delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"... is it not? I have to remember that there is indeed this sense of kairos, the appointed time, in which all things happen.

Dear Alex (and Marni):

Your nerdiness is so appealing and refreshing.

Overall I liked the graph. I would continue developing it using this framework, and continue adding characteristics to each of the quadrants. I have a characteristic to add-- those who see themselves as marriage neutral for they are seeking first the kingdom of God. You can guess which quadrant I would like to put that group of the confused and falsely pious on this graph.

I do have one concern, and that is, the spiritually mature, marriage bound single having the "no idolatry" of marriage as the first component of that platform. I have never understood the need for us to put Christ in competition with marriage or the desire for it. I just don't think people out there are worshipping marriage. I think that some people have some unrealistic expectations for marriage, but no one really sees their mate or their marriage as being "a God." I talked to Candice about this need in the Christian dialogue to constantly add pet phrases like, "don't make marriage an idol . . . " and she pointed out our selectiveness in giving these kind of reminders to singles. For example, you think of other areas that preoccupy people's attentions, like illness of themselves or a close relative, and people often spend an innordinate amount of time and energy and prayer devoted to such things. We never tell sickos to not make an idol of their illness. Think about the amount of time people think they have to pursue undergraduate degress and then some, and for others yet more. No one will ever hear a sermon about their education possibly being an idol, or even being contrary to the pursuit of other parts of God's reveal will. Yet, any sincere Christian, by repeating these kind of statements often, i.e. that marriage should not be made an idol, is sure to hold his desire in check and probably make unnecessary self-evaluations of whether their legitimate desire to marry is somehow not putting the kingdom of God first.

You are familiar with my viewpoint and probably know that I find these kind of pseudo-qualification/pseudo-warnings disingenuous and deceptive. As much as I agree with the statement that the human heart is a factory of idols, I also think our Christian culture is looking to make idols to marriage, especially in the way we speak Christianese.

Debbie Maken