July 26, 2010
Interview - Jim Newheiser - You Never Stop Being a Parent
Last week I reviewed the latest book from Jim Newheiser & Elyse Fitzpatrick, You Never Stop Being a Parent: Thriving in Relationship With Your Adult Children. These two also co-authored When Good Kids Make Bad Choices.
I'm grateful that Pastor Jim was kind enough to answer a few questions for us about their most recent book.
Pastor Jim, thank you very much for being available. There's a lot of discussion in the secular media about "helicopter parents". Among Christians, is there a real trend to "over-parenting" in our day?
I want to preface my responses by stating our conviction that the Word of God is our sole authority which we believe to be fully sufficient to teach us how to live in a way that pleases God in all areas of life - including how to relate to our adult kids. These answers are brief. These topics are much more fully developed, with Scriptural exposition, in the book.
One of the most significant problems I have seen among Christian parents is the unwillingness to let go of their kids as they become adults. There is no more sure way to provoke a young adult to anger than to treat him as a child. In the book we seek to establish that the Bible teaches that a young person comes of age at which time he or she is primarily responsible for his or her own life decisions (even if the parents don't like the decisions being made). On the other hand, if the child is still living under the parents' roof or dependent upon parental finances, then the parents have the right to have reasonable expectations as a condition for the child continuing to receive support.
Many young adults want full adult privileges and freedoms, while still expecting their parents to provide for their material needs. Once a child is an adult the relationship is by mutual agreement. The child living at home can always choose to leave if he doesn't like his parents' rules. The parents likewise are free to force the child to move out if he or she refuses to live according to expectations. On the other hand, if the child who is living in the home is meeting basic expectations, the parent should offer encouragement and avoid micromanaging the child.
What are "reasonable goals" for a parent to seek for their kids?
Parents seek to prepare their children to live as responsible godly adults. Our greatest desire is to see them converted and serving the Lord. Beyond that we long to see them grow in wisdom in the various areas addressed by the book of Proverbs -- wisdom in friendship, in speech, in acquiring a skill and working hard, in financial matters, in moral purity, etc. When adult children are living at home they should be there with a clearly defined purpose, rather than aimlessly wasting their time (as many young adults are prone to do). Valid reasons for remaining home could include completing one's education, establishing a trade or a business, working and saving money for a future marriage or home, etc.
Parents may be forced to distinguish between their ideals for their kids and the minimum expectations they must meet if they are to remain in the home. Adult children living in the home should be working hard (as many hours a week as the parents have to work to provide the house) at either a job and/or their education.
When (by what age) should a parent aim to "launch" their kids into adulthood (to use the metaphor of arrows, Ps. 127:4)? 18? 22? Does it depend?
In Numbers 32:11 the Lord stated that none of the men twenty and above, who followed the unbelieving ten spies rather than Joshua and Caleb, would enter the promised land. This implies that by the age of twenty they were considered adults who were responsible for their own choices and that they should have chosen differently than their parents. So twenty seems like a good starting place. The legal age of adulthood in our culture is eighteen which is probably close enough. There may be cases in which a child is living as an independent adult at a younger age while others are not ready until later. Once a child is "of age" (a legal adult in our culture) the continuation of parental oversight is by mutual consent. The child can choose to leave, even if he is not ready. The parent also is free to send the child out of the home if he is not willing to live according to family rules and expectations.
Is a college student a child or an adult (assuming the typical age, 18-22)? Should a Christian student honor his parents' wishes in the selection of a major? And what if his parents are non-Christians with ungodly motivations?
I have seen parents who have been over-controlling in their childrens' education. Sometimes these parents are seeking to live out their frustrated ambitions through their kids. Some parents may place too much pressure on their children to choose a major which leads to worldly wealth, while the child may believe a different field of study would better equip him to serve the Lord. Because the child is going to live with the consequences of his educational decisions for the rest of his life, I think the decision should be primarily his. On the other hand, a wise child will seek and seriously consider the counsel of his parents. Also, the parents aren't obligated to finance a choice with which they strongly disagree. My advice to them, however, would be to respect their child's budding adulthood.
How should parents and children handle disagreements in the selection of spouse?
While I believe that the ideal courtship situation will include much wise input from parents on both sides, I am convinced that the final choice of whether to marry and whom to marry rests with the child. I Cor. 7:39 says that a widow may marry whom she will -- not whom her father or brother wills. A father may give his daughter a promise ring when she is twelve and have her commit to not ever date or court a young man without her father's permission, but when she is twenty one she may not believe that she is bound by that commitment. If parents have a wonderful and loving relationship with their young adult they will have a lot of influence on his or her choice of a spouse. If the relationship is bad, they will have little or no influence, no matter what amount of control they believe they should have. We have written an entire chapter on this subject in the book.
What's your view of parents leaving an inheritance for their kids? What are the dangers? The benefits? What kind of circumstantial factors should be considered? Should inheritance (if any) always be (on principle) equally divided among the children?
Proverbs commends giving an inheritance to our kids (Prov. 13:22), but also warns that inheritances can be squandered (Prov. 20:21). Often the best way we can help our adult kids is to give them some of their inheritance while we are still alive (and when they most need our help). For example, helping them with their education which will lead to a well paying job could be a great inheritance. Some parents help their kids buy their first home. I do not believe that money needs to be doled out with absolute equality. One child may be very well off financially, while another may be suffering from severe health problems or disabilities, and another may be working as a foreign missionary. Or one child may be a substance abusing gambler who would quickly squander any inheritance. We also warn that financial matters are dangerous. If you do choose to treat your children differently, it is important to explain what you are doing and why to the children who receive less.
Thanks again, Pastor Jim.
June 14, 2010
The (Unnecessarily) Long Road to Adulthood
The NY Times weighs in on a massive sociological trend: the extending of adolescence. They seem to take the perspective that it is morally neutral. While some of the contributing factors are themselves amoral (a greater need for college, or even graduation, education) the overall trend, in my view, is driven by the tendency of young men refusing to grow up because they don't have to. And the results are awful:
Today 40 percent of births are to unmarried mothers, an increase from 28 percent in 1990. About one-fourth of 25-year-old white men lived at home in 2007 — this was before the latest recession — compared with one-fifth in 2000 and less than one-eighth in 1970.New research is also being performed on parents' spending patterns. Prior to the 1990s, it turns out, parents appeared to invest most in children in their teen years, which makes sense given how much teens eat, summer camps, sports camps, music lessons, etc. However:
In the late 1990s, however, parents’ spending patterns began to shift so that the flow of money was greatest when their children were either very young or in their mid-20s.Mid-20s? Get off the couch guys and get to work!
Read the whole thing.
HT: Denny Burk
April 15, 2010
A Great Marriage Book: 60% Off. One More Day.
WTS Bookstore is running a 60% off sale on Paul Tripp's book What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage until Friday afternoon. Less than one more day! Sorry for the late notice.
This looks like a great book. Chapter 7, Pulling Weeds, is online for free.
"What I've come to expect from Paul Tripp is consistently deep, transparent, biblical, wise, practical, gospel-driven counsel. Rather than muddying the water with self-focused strategies designed to meet our ever-multiplying needs, Paul, as the seasoned soul-physician he is, correctly diagnoses our problems and provides the cure—humble faith in Jesus Christ. I wasn't disappointed. You won't be either."
- Elyse M. Fitzpatrick, author, Because He Loves Me and Comforts from the Cross
"Paul Tripp brings many years of counseling, growth as a husband, and deepening discovery of the liberating power of grace to this realistic and challenging guide to God's engagement in redeeming marriages that are threatened by complacency, misunderstanding, and selfishness. The Bible's message of the humbling and healing power of Christ's mercy and the powerful presence of his Spirit in our homes comes through loud and clear. The daily practicality of gospel doctrine is made crystal clear by Tripp's transparency about his personal missteps in becoming a Christ-reflecting husband and the many examples of couples who have discovered that they are sinners married to sinners. But that the third, divine Party in marriage gives hope and change when unrealistic expectations are shattered and when we confront our sin. But be warned: Tripp's diagnostic questions are downright uncomfortable. Even those with strong marriages by God's grace will find their deep tendencies toward self-coronation challenged!"
- Dennis E. Johnson, Professor of Practical Theology, Westminster Seminary California
"What Did You Expect?" Book Trailer From Crossway Books from Crossway on Vimeo.
November 05, 2009
The Marriage Index: Establishing and Tracking Leading Marriage Indicators
The Institute for American Values and the National Center on African American Marriages and Parenting have partnered to establish The Marriage Index, a metric designed to measure the health of American marriages (not unlike how the Leading Economic Index put out by The Conference Board watches economic trends. Dr. Albert Mohler explains:
The Marriage Index is based on solid data and includes five major components: the percentage of adults ages 20-54 who are married, the percentage of married persons who are "very happy" with their marriage, the percentage of first marriages that are intact, the percentage of births to married parents, and the percentage of children living with their own married parents.Some data Dr. Mohler sites from the 2008 Marriage Index report:
1. In 1970, 78.6 percent of adults age 20-54 were married. In 2008, it dropped to 57.2 percent. That's a huge decline (over 25%).Read the rest of Dr. Mohler's observations, or read the 36-page 2008 Marriage Index report.2. In 1970, 67% of married Americans reported that their union was "very happy." Today, the figure is 62%. A modest decline, but consider that many who are not happy more easily divorce today.
3. In 1970, 77.4 percent of first marriages were intact, but only 61.2 percent were intact in 2007. About a 20% decline.
4. Today, only 60.3 percent of all babies are born to married couples, compared to 89.3 percent in 1970. Wow. Breathtaking, when you think about the disadvantages children born out of wedlock inevitably experience.
5. In 1970, 68.7 percent of all children lived with their own mother and father. In 2007, that percentage had dropped to 61.0.
September 12, 2009
A Balanced View on Singleness & The Gift of Celibacy
Years ago I was involved in the debate over what some call "the gift of singleness." Some tend to think of the gift of singleness as the state of singleness: to be single, is to have the gift. I wholeheartedly disagree. I think it is better to differentiate between a gift for celibacy and the state of singleness. Not all who are in the state of singleness are gifted to remain there--though, of course, celibacy is the biblical requirement of all singles. Which is one of the reasons most of them should marry (I Cor. 7:9). As I wrote in a 2006 essay:
[The gift of celibacy] is a rare gift that is accompanied by a Spirit-endowed ability to cheerfully and without bitterness or rancor abstain from sexual intimacy and the deep emotional companionship that only comes with marriage and having children. In many cases, I believe this is accompanied with a particular life calling that greatly profits from the status of singleness (e.g., missions, a life-threatening vocation, excessive traveling, etc.).On the other hand, a comprehensive view of singleness has to answer questions like: What about the person who wants to marry, tries to marry, and is repeatedly unsuccessful? Should we ever exhort others to pursue marriage, or is that a nosey intrusion on a purely personal decision? And if it is possible have too little motivation to marry, can one want marriage too much?
These are the sorts of questions I try to address in an article published today called A Balanced View of Singleness. My conclusions:
An essential aspect of loving singles is being open to helping them in the process toward marriage, while recognizing:Check it out.* our relationship with Christ is more important than our marital state
* some singles are uniquely gifted to remain single for greater kingdom effectiveness
* many singles struggle profoundly with loneliness, lust, fornication, and the like, and welcome (or should welcome) loving, gracious, and balanced input on the process toward marriage from Christians who care about their souls and their bodies
* for most, marriage will be a means of profound sanctification, and they ought to responsibly (and diligently) move in this direction even as they embrace other adult responsibilities
* just as God ordains the ends, He ordains the means. The means may include overcoming your fear and telling a girl how you feel. They may include giving a guy a chance, even though you grew up seeing your parents go through a divorce, and you've closed your heart like a shell.
September 03, 2009
The Case For Early Marriage - Mark Regnerus
Mark Regnerus, Ph.D., is an associate professor of sociology at the University of Texas, Austin, where he lives with his wife, Deeann, and their three children. He has written a fantastic article for Christianity Today called The Case For Early Marriage. It encapsulates one of the central messages of With One Voice: the biblical association of intimacy with marriage, along with the formative and stabilizing benefits of marriage, suggest that its preferable to enter the lifelong bond early in the adult years, not later. After addressing the devaluing of marriage in our culture (which is a greater problem and probably a precursor to the rising acceptance of same-sex marriage), Regnerus addresses the "elephant in the room"--the relative absence of Christian men:
Among evangelical churchgoers, there are about three single women for every two single men....Regnerus notes that though we tell young people marriage is a "big deal" ("don't rush into a relationship" or "first loves aren't likely the best fit" or "you have plenty of time"), we fail to mentor them about the rigors that any marriage will invariably face. Young adults therefore underestimate the role that commitment plays, as opposed to romantic feelings, which "may lead us out of a marriage as quickly as they lead us into one." Citing the troubling statistic that 90% of Americans engage in premarital sex (a number slightly lower among Christians - 80%), Regnerus explains:Given this unfavorable ratio, and the plain fact that men are, on average, ready for sex earlier in relationships than women are, many young Christian women are being left with a dilemma: either commence a sexual relationship with a decent, marriage-minded man before she would prefer to—almost certainly before marriage—or risk the real possibility that, in holding out for a godly, chaste, uncommon man, she will wait a lot longer than she would like. Plenty will wait so long as to put their fertility in jeopardy. By that time, the pool of available men is hardly the cream of the crop—and rarely chaste.....
Men get the idea that they can indeed find the ideal woman if they are patient enough. Life expectancies nearing 80 years prompt many to dabble with relationships in their 20s rather than commit to a life of "the same thing" for such a long time. Men have few compelling reasons to mature quickly. Marriage seems an unnecessary risk to many of them, even Christians. Sex seldom requires such a steep commitment.
As a result, many men postpone growing up. Even their workplace performance is suffering: earnings for 25- to 34-year-old men have fallen by 20 percent since 1971, even after accounting for inflation. No wonder young women marry men who are on average at least two years older than they. Unfortunately, a key developmental institution for men—marriage—is the very thing being postponed, thus perpetuating their adolescence.
Most young Americans no longer think of marriage as a formative institution, but rather as the institution they enter once they think they are fully formed. Increasing numbers of young evangelicals think likewise, and, by integrating these ideas with the timeless imperative to abstain from sex before marriage, we've created a new optimal life formula for our children: Marriage is glorious, and a big deal. But it must wait. And with it, sex. Which is seldom as patient.He then spends the rest of the article responding to five objections to early marriage:
(1) Economic insecurity
(2) Immaturity
(3) A Poor Match
(4) Marrying for Sex
(5) Unrealistic expectations
Read the whole thing. Extremely provocative and an important, timely message.
Regnerus is the author of Forbidden Fruit: Sex & Religion in the Lives of American Teenagers
July 30, 2009
The Altar: Not the Finish Line
Boundless has published a new essay I wrote called The Altar: Not the Finish Line. The opening:
I am convinced that for most men, a godly wife will bring blessings that nothing else can. But those blessings are not secured without hard work. I'm talking about the inevitable adjustments which all successful marriages require.Here's the rest.Marriage is not about two single people moving into one house but otherwise continuing to live their lives as before. Marriage is about the complete unification of two very different individuals — two sinners who, no matter how strong their attraction to one another, no matter how strong their Christian commitment, will get on one another's nerves in the years to come in ways no other person will.
Survival depends on making adjustments — changes, compromises, sacrifices. But here's the thing, guys: The more you are aware that adjustments must be made, that you will need to be flexible, the easier it will be to move quickly to compromise and together define how your new family will operate. That's the good news. The bad news is that the more rigid you are, the more you fight for things to be exactly as you always expected them to be, the more work it will be to break bad habits and heal relational damage.
July 26, 2009
Is The Gay Marriage Debate Over?
Mark Gali, writing for Christianity Today, explores how an individualistic worldview compromises the Christian witness on the issue of heterosexual marriage. He makes many of the points that I've raised here (see my posts citing Maggie Gallagher) and in With One Voice, citing folks like David Blankenhorn (particularly on the societal implications of marriage). The article is also a good, brief overview of the history of the legal battles in the USA on this matter.
Excerpts of Gali's article:
"While stopping short of abortion, we have not given much thought to our easy acceptance of artificial contraception. I’m not arguing for or against contraception here, only pointing to the reality that contraception has separated sex from procreation. That, in turn, has prompted most couples, evangelicals included, to think that sex is first and foremost a fulfilling psychological and physical experience, that a couple has a right to enjoy themselves for a few years before they settle down to family life."HT: Denny Burk"In essence, we have already redefined marriage as an institution designed for personal happiness. . .
We cannot very well argue for the sanctity of marriage as a crucial social institution while we blithely go about divorcing and approving of remarriage at a rate that destabilizes marriage. We cannot say that an institution, like the state, has a perfect right to insist on certain values and behavior from its citizens while we refuse to submit to denominational or local church authority. We cannot tell gay couples that marriage is about something much larger than self-fulfillment when we, like the rest of heterosexual culture, delay marriage until we can experience life, and delay having children until we can enjoy each other for a few years....
In short, we have been perfect hypocrites on this issue."
July 23, 2009
Excerpt of With One Voice
The good folks at Boundless have posted an excerpt of my book With One Voice.
June 13, 2009
Sacred Marriage (Gary Thomas)
Some quotes from this very helpful book:
"If you want to be free to serve Jesus, there's no question -- stay single. Marriage takes a lot of time. But if you want to become like Jesus, I can't imagine any better thing to do than to get married. Being married forces you to face some character issues you'd never have to face otherwise." -p. 21
"Any situation that calls me to confront my selfishness has enormous spiritual value, and I slowly began to understand that the real purpose of marriage may not be happiness as much as it is holiness. Not that God has anything against happiness, or that happiness and holiness are by nature mutually exclusive, but looking at marriage through the lens of holiness began to put it into an entirely new perspective for me." -pp. 22-23
"...some of us ask too much of marriage. We want to get the largest portion of our life's fulfillment from our relationship with our spouse. That's asking too much. Yes, without a doubt there should be moments of happiness, meaning, and a general sense of fulfillment. But my wife can't be God, and I was created with a spirit that craves God. Anything less than God, and I'll feel an ache." -pp. 25-26
"One of the cruelest and most self-condemning remarks I've ever heard is the one that men often use when they leave their wives for another woman: 'The truth is, I've never loved you.' This is meant to be an attack on the wife--saying in effect, 'The truth is, I've never found you lovable.' But put in a Christian context, it's a confession of the man's utter failure to be a Christian." -pp. 40-41
June 12, 2009
Preaching in Bakersfield, CA on With One Voice
I'd cover your prayers for my message this Sunday at Sovereign Grace Church of Bakersfield on the topic of With One Voice. It has been an unusually challenging week in some ways and I feel drained. I was pulling up some data related to attitudes toward marriage, and the last two slides of this 2008 report from the National Marriage Project stood out.
1. A majority (~56%) of high school seniors believe that having a child without being married is "experimenting with a worthwhile lifestyle or not affecting anyone else."
2. About 60% of high school seniors “Agreed” or “Mostly Agreed” with the statement “It Is Usually a Good Idea for a Couple to Live Together Before Getting Married in Order to Find Out Whether They Really Get Along.”
October 10, 2008
John Piper: The Ultimate Meaning of Womanhood
John Piper's message from last night entitled The Ultimate Meaning of Womanhood is now available in both MP3 audio format (free download) and in manuscript form. Pastor John is speaking at the True Woman conference. The conference organizers have unveiled a True Woman Manifesto, which Piper highly approves.
September 24, 2008
The Lolita Effect: The Media Sexualization of Young Girls and What We Can Do About It
Writing for Christianity Today Magazine, Todd C. Ream and Sara C. Ream offer a brief preview of The Lolita Effect: The Media Sexualization of Young Girls and What We Can Do About It
August 26, 2008
Harris, Harris and Chediak on Prime Time America
Phil Fleischman interviewed Alex Harris, Brett Harris, and yours truly for a short piece on the phenomenon of "adultolescents" (whereby teenagers -- i.e., "adolescents" -- continue avoiding responsibility while enjoying increasing measures of freedom into their adult years). The segment aired yesterday on Moody Radio's Prime Time America hosted by Greg Wheatley. The audio for the two-hour program is available; the "adultolescents" segment comes about 80 minutes into the program (confession: some of what I said I got here).
Alex and Brett Harris are the authors of Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations, a fantastic book which I was honored to endorse.
If the segment interests you, you'll also want to check out ReThink -- a great book on "rethinking" youth ministry (shifting the primary responsibility for the discipleship of teens from youth pastors to parents).
August 20, 2008
Micah Thornton on With One Voice
Micah Thornton writes a gracious review of my book, With One Voice: Singleness, Dating, and Marriage to the Glory of God.
August 11, 2008
Marriage/Singleness Message Given At Wellspring
I gave a message on Singleness and Marriage at Wellspring Church yesterday. I am very grateful for those of you who prayed for me. The message (now available in MP3 format) is in my ways a broad introduction to my book With One Voice (for which I've previously written this summary). Those interested in the book may also be interested in an interview I did with Anthony Calzia (a recent graduate of California Baptist University) this past February.
March 05, 2008
Get Married - What Women Can Do to Help It Happen
Tim Challies reviews an interesting new book by Candice Watters entitled Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help It Happen
Watters and I agree that the state of singleness is not synonymous with the gift of singleness. I first discussed the gift of singleness issue in a chapter in With One Voice, and later in a brief article.
February 20, 2008
Guidance, The Will of God, and Whom to Marry
In my recent interview with Anthony Calzia, I made the following statement regarding Christian liberty in the determination of a marriage partner:
"While there is 'one person' out there for us to marry (if we’re called to marry), the only way to be completely certain we’ve found 'the one' is after we’ve made our vows and tied the knot. And this is liberating – we don’t have to wait for some magical moment when we know with mathematical certainty that Jen (or Jake) is 'the one.' There is some Christian liberty in terms of choosing whom to marry. The person should be a growing Christian, and someone whose presence in your life helps rather than hinders your walk with God. But it should also be someone whose presence you generally enjoy, and to whom (for a myriad of reasons, physical and non-physical) you find so attractive that life without them is unimaginable."
I then received the following question:
How are you so sure this is the “only way” and if it is, that’s a rather large commitment to make not being “completely certain.” Can you please clarify?
My friend was referring to my stating that the "only way to be completely certain we’ve found 'the one' is after we’ve made our vows and tied the knot." It is a very good question. Let me be clear: I do believe that Christians can have a subjective sense of God's leading on major life decisions, but I don't think it is infallible. When I was deciding whether to ask Marni to marry me, I prayed for God's subjective leading. In other words, I asked God to give me a high degree of emotional certainty that Marni was whom I should marry. I was not aware of any Scriptural basis for not marrying her. Nevertheless, since the decision was so important, I hoped that God would give me an even stronger sense that I should marry her. I think God did--through many means, including conversations with trusted friends and mentors.
But the peace I had was not mathematical certainty nor was it infallible. At the very least, James 4:13-15 warns us that we cannot know what will happen tomorrow. Marni could have died in her sleep the night before we got married. Had that happened, I hope I would have eventually married someone else. And in that case, it could not be said that Marni was "the one" for me to marry, because evidently God had something else in mind. That was what I was getting at when I said, "after we’ve made our vows and tied the knot" we can, with certainty, say that "God willed for me to marry her." Because it happened.
But there's more. There's a danger to believing that I have to "know with certainty" that God wants me to do X before I do X (marry Jennifer, take a job in Dallas, spend my savings to buy a new car). Consider these words from Pastor Mark Dever:
"I do believe that God's Spirit will sometimes lead us subjectively. So, for instance, I am choosing to spend my life here on Capitol Hill because my wife & I sensed in 1993 that that is what God wanted us to do. However, I realized then (and now) that I could be wrong about that supposition. Scripture is NEVER wrong. I was free in 1993 to stay in England, or teach at a seminary, either of which would have been delightful opportunities. I understand that I was free to make those choices. But I chose, consulting Scripture, friends, wisdom, and my own subjective sense of the Lord's will, to come to DC. And even if I were wrong about that, I had (and have) that freedom in Christ to act in a way that is not sin. And I understand my pastoring here not to be sin. So I am free. Regardless of the sense of leading I had."Like Mark does elsewhere in his post, I would also acknowledge that most decisions I make are made without a subjective sense of God's leading. Rather, several good, non-sinful options are available, and I have to choose the one I deem best. I can pray that God will lead me. However, my subjective sense of God's leading can be wrong (I'm not yet perfected--my perception of how God is leading can be mistaken). But to pursue a non-sinful option is, by definition, not sin. This is liberating. God will unfold His sovereign will for my life through the decisions I make (does not mean I should sin so that grace may abound).
(HT: JT)
February 18, 2008
Interview on Singleness, Dating, and Marriage
Anthony Calzia, a student at California Baptist University, recently interviewed me about With One Voice, a book my wife and I wrote a few years ago. Extended portions of the interview appear in CBU’s campus newspaper, The Banner. The interview appears in its entirety on my friend Jeff Mooney's blog. Dr. Mooney is an Assistant Professor of Christian Studies at California Baptist University and the senior pastor of First Baptist Church in Norco, CA. Here's an excerpt:
1. Who are you? How did you come to write your book? How and when did you come to date and marry?
I came to Christ as a high schooler, and saw the aimless dating patterns of many high school Christians in my youth group and elsewhere. Later, I was involved in college ministry, and, being single in my twenties, I naturally gave these issues significant consideration. I first worked on Five Paths to The Love of Your Life for NavPress; the idea for that book came from all those helpful “multi-views” books that IVP and Zondervan publish on theological issues. I was finishing it when, in the summer of 2004, I was interning at Grace Community Church in Gardnerville, NV and was asked to teach a six-part series on Christian dating. The audience was the entire church, not one age demographic. So I began to think about how to prepare a series for all ages (high school students, college students, junior highers, parents and grandparents). The six messages I gave became the six chapters in With One Voice.I met Marni on November 1, 2003 and married her on December 18, 2004 (yes, I’ve got all the anniversaries down!). I was in Berkeley, CA finishing graduate school, and she was living in Oakland and working for SBC (the CA phone company, now AT&T). We were both almost 30, and I guess you could say that we were both “ready for marriage” in that we each knew what we were looking for and were at an age/life-stage to marry. With the guidance, support, and community of her family and a lot of our close friends living nearby, we were able to get to know each other pretty well in a variety of contexts quite quickly. Over the period of a few months it was clear that we both met the criteria on our “lists,” and over the next few months we were delighted to discover how much we enjoyed each other and wanted to spend our lives together. God’s leading seemed clear by mid-summer 2004, when I proposed to her on a walk at sunset on the beach at Lake Tahoe.
September 19, 2007
CBMW Unveils New Website
The Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood has unveiled an impressive new website, with many easy-to-locate features, including an introductory essay entitled Summaries of the Egalitarian and Complementarian Positions on the Role of Women in the Home and in Christian Ministry by Dr. Bruce Ware. The archives for every past issue of The Journal for Biblical Manhood & Womanhood (dating back to 1995) are all available. There is also a gender blog containing posts on contemporary developments such as Emerson University's troubling decision to make restrooms gender-neutral to accommodate "transgender" students.
August 16, 2007
The singleness "issue"
Since I hardly ever write about "the gift of singleness" any more, I thought I'd mention that Lydia Brownback has recently been reflecting on the matter. I posted a comment on her second post, and today she offers these remarks.
For a different perspective, see Candice Watters' critical interaction with three recent books, each of which is (primarily) aimed at adult single women: Marriage and Caste in America: Separate and Unequal Families in a Post-Marital Age
Since some of you have commented on this topic on the past, I'd be grateful to hear your thoughts (respectfully expressed, please).
July 12, 2007
Men and Women Are Different
Mark Galli, managing editor of Christianity Today, pens a humorous and illuminating article on male-female differences as they relate to parenting. Commenting on the tendency of couples to announce, "We're pregnant," Galli notes:
"This phrase is most unfortunate after conception because it is an inadvertent co-opting of women by men—men using language to suggest that they share equally in the burdens and joys of pregnancy. Instead, pregnancy is one time women should flaunt their womanhood, and one time men should acknowledge the superiority of women. Men may be able to run the mile in less than four minutes and open stuck pickle jars with a twist of the wrist, but for all our physical prowess, we cannot carry new life within us and bring it into the world. To suggest that we do is a slap in the face of women."
(HT: JT)
July 02, 2007
Bob Hayton on With One Voice
Bob Hayton graciously provides a helpful (and humbling) summary of With One Voice.
Related: More Reviews
(Bob's will be added soon.)
June 30, 2007
The (Im)possibility of Platonic Friendships
Blake Roeber pens an accessible, humorous and helpful article on the subject of platonic, mixed-gender friendships. A highlight:
Platonic friendship, then, is any friendship that isn't mediated by physical bodies. It's friendship between Souls. It's friendship that's supposedly so deep that those involved aren't even aware of (or, at least, aren't at all concerned with) the trivial features of their respective bodies. In particular, it's friendship where those involved aren't at all concerned with their respective sex organs. It's as if the friends involved are asexual.
The upshot:
All this isn't to say that non-gay, non-celibate members of the opposite sex can't be "just friends." They surely can. It's to say that being "just friends" takes a lot of caution. It takes care and a realistic appraisal of one's ability to avoid temptation. It also takes the humility to admit it when one's gotten oneself in over one's head.To say that Platonic friendship isn't possible is also to recognize that, even where a guy and a girl do exercise enough caution to be "just friends," the friendship they form will still be one between a guy and a girl, not one between two neuters.
(HT: Boundless)
June 25, 2007
CBMW Appoints David Kotter as Executive Director
CBMW announces: "The board of The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (CBMW) recently appointed church leader and former businessman David Kotter as the organization’s new executive director."
I am personally encouraged by this move, as I recently heard some great things about Mr. Kotter. And may I add -- A bachelor's degree in engineering is a great background for tackling theological conundrums!
(HT: JT)
May 28, 2007
Different Types of Singles?
My wife and I recently wrote on singleness in With One Voice. Our interest in the topic was rekindled with Pastor John Piper preaching a series of messages on marriage (with his last two sermons being more related to singleness). He also pointed to a provocative, exegetical study by Barry Danyluk. All of this got us thinking about whether there might be different kinds of adult single Christians in the church today. The following graph (I am an engineer) is the fruit of our musings. We welcome any and all feedback on it, as we recognize that any one-page graph necessarily involved making a finite number of categories.
May 26, 2007
Our Wedding Vows
A couple friends over the last few years have asked Marni and I for our wedding vows. I asked Marni if she'd mind if I posted them. Her reply was excellent: "Are you sure you want all that extra accountability?" Well, since we're already accountable to God and those who attended our wedding, we figure it can't be that much scarier to add you. Here they are -- you'll recognize that they are a mixture of the traditional vows with some of our own thoughts. I also should add that we are indebted to Pastor Tom Steller and his wife Julie, who were willing to share their vows with us before we wrote our own. Towards the bottom you might recognize Marni's allusion to Rom. 15:6, which is also where we got the title for our book.
By God’s grace and in His name, I, Alex, take thee, Marni, to be my wife. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until we are parted by death. I promise to be yours exclusively, a loving and faithful husband, forsaking all others, and to honor you above all except God.
I recognize today with thanksgiving that you are the greatest treasure that God has given me—given to complete me, and that I might complete you. I cannot become what God would have me be apart from you. I love so many things about you, dearest Marni. Your tender heart, your warm smile, your ever positive attitude, your intelligence, your tendency to be on top of things. It is staggering that you would agree to marry me. In learning to love you, my heart is enlarged. I marry not just because I love you, but so that I can love you.
I promise to love and respect you as a woman, and to honor you as my partner and fellow heir of the grace of life. I promise to take with utmost seriousness my responsibilities to you as a Christian husband, to pray for you, to protect you, to provide for you, to comfort you, to encourage you, and to always seek your deepest well-being. By God’s grace, I promise to listen to you, to spend time with you, to tell you what I’m thinking, to include you, and to be there for you. I promise to deny myself when we discover our differences as we live together. I promise to cherish you above all others and above achievements. I promise to raise with you any children God gives us, and to train them in the way they should go.
I pray that I will make you happy by appreciating and accepting you as God made you and by enjoying and appreciating your love. I pray that God will enable me to preserve and increase your enjoyment of God so that your heart can overflow to bless others. I pray that God would increase our capacity to enjoy Him through the love he builds in us towards each other for as many years as He gives us. I pray that we will both live and die in a way that makes much of Jesus.
By God’s grace and in His name, I, Marni, take thee, Alex, to be my husband. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until we are parted by death. I promise to be yours exclusively, a loving and faithful wife, forsaking all others, and to honor you above all except God.
Alex, blessed am I among women! You are the man I have prayed for my whole life. I am continually awed and delighted by your strong leadership, your intelligence, your sensitivity, your wit, your tender affection, and your intensity as you strive to know and please God. I am blessed by how you move toward me and how we grow closer in difficult situations. You make me so happy! My sweet Alex, you are God's precious gift to me. It is my desire that our covenant becomes more important than we are as individuals, so that when I love you and deny myself for you, I am loving myself.
I promise to love and you respect you and submit to your headship intelligently and joyfully, trusting your leadership. I promise to uphold you in prayer, to support you, to encourage you, to comfort you, to respect you, to be your helpmate in all situations of life, hoping always to be that refuge where you might find rest. I promise to keep careful watch over our household, endeavoring to make it a happy and pleasant place to live. Should God bless us with children, I promise to continue to honor you as my highest priority after God, and to raise them to love the Lord and respect you.
I pray that we would each seek daily to delight in and commit ourselves more fully to Christ, our Shepherd and Savior. I pray that God would use us in each other’s lives as He sanctifies us. May the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant us to be of the same mind with one another according to Christ Jesus, so that with one accord we may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.
May 10, 2007
The Fruit of Immaturity
Ted Slater and his team have now published my essay, The Fruit of Immaturity, which I previously mentioned.
May 08, 2007
Immaturity & Maturity in Young Men
I just finished an article for Boundless on the topic of immaturity and maturity in young men. It should appear this week, and I'll link to it when it does. Having attended the Children Desiring God conference, I have been re-reading portions of Addresses to Young Men: A Young Man’s Friend and Guide
"True piety [godliness] is the parent of every virtue which is either useful to man or pleasing to God; and when confirmed and illustrated by a faithful life, is the best recommendation a youth can offer to one whose confidence he wishes to secure." (p. 169)
April 23, 2007
Our With One Voice interview with Match.com
Last summer I mentioned that the faith-based dating channel of match.com had interviewed Marni and I about With One Voice.
The interview has now been posted.
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Recent Posts
- Interview - Jim Newheiser - You Never Stop Being a Parent
- The (Unnecessarily) Long Road to Adulthood
- A Great Marriage Book: 60% Off. One More Day.
- The Marriage Index: Establishing and Tracking Leading Marriage Indicators
- A Balanced View on Singleness & The Gift of Celibacy
- The Case For Early Marriage - Mark Regnerus
- The Altar: Not the Finish Line
- Is The Gay Marriage Debate Over?
- Excerpt of With One Voice
- Sacred Marriage (Gary Thomas)